You see the signs, and recognize them for what they are. Warnings. Red flags. Hopefully, a call to action. You’re tired all the time. You are short with people, and snap at them, especially the ones you love the most. You may lose your appetite, or want to eat everything bad for you in large quantities, but probably only in private. You’re exhausted but sleep eludes you. So you’re too tired to exercise or go about any non-essential daily activities. You lose interest in sex, partly because you feel horribly unattractive. Partly because you’ve lost your connection to the person with whom you share your bed. The two of you are fighting all the time, about the dumbest things that shouldn’t matter. Everything is suddenly overwhelming. Even the little things – they just pile up and gang up on you so that you can no longer deal with them individually.
You may not know when it all started, but there is no point in denying it any more. It has now been going on so long that you’ve either completely relapsed, or you’re about to.
Depression.
Maybe it’s been just a few weeks since you went into “remission.” (I call it that, because it never really goes away. If you’re lucky, it stays dormant.) For me, it had been about 3 years. And 3 years ago, I never would have thought it was possible to be depression-free for more than a few weeks at a time. It seemed like a miracle when I realized it was happening. A miracle that stretched into 3 long and happy years. But that streak is over, and that is difficult to accept.
You feel like a failure. After having eliminated people and habits from your life that caused you to be depressed, your coping skills no longer work for you. Or you have picked up old bad habits, or developed new ones. Sometimes those habits are people. The feeling of failure is the start of the vicious cycle that is depression. You feel like you’re crazy for not being happy when everyone expects you to be. And because you can’t be, not meeting everyone’s expectations of you makes you feel even worse about yourself. Let’s face it, no one is harder on you than you are on yourself. And right now you’re only capable of being terrible to yourself.
Because depression lies. It makes your brain not be reasonable. It makes you emotional. It makes your heart ache for what you can’t have, or don’t think you have. Even if whatever that is is right in front of you. It singles you out. It separates you from the people who care about you.
This is where I am.
So writing about this is the first step in what I hope is my recovery. Accepting it was the first and hardest part for me. Talking about it seemed like the next logical step. Because I know I’m not the only one, and that others who I care about very much go through this, but can’t or won’t talk about it. But I know they’ll read about it and accept it, and appreciate the discussion about it. It’s the beginning of not feeling so terribly alone anymore.
I’m thinking that my next logical steps are to get back to the things I used to enjoy and that will be healthy for me. Take better care of myself, not just by exercising and eating right, but by taking care of my emotional needs. Even if I have to force myself, and fake my way through the activities of a healthy, happy person, I need to do it. I started by making a list of what those activities should be. I even asked my friends for ideas, and they came up with some suggestions for new activities I can try, without knowing why I was asking. I know I need to spend more time with my kids – playing games, reading, going to the park. I know I need to spend more time with my friends, even if that means just sitting around and chatting, in person, not online. I know I need to get out of my house and office more – explore the city I live in, find new cafes, shops, and sites to get excited about.
I know I need to get my head and heart back to the right place. Accept that there are some parts of my life about which I’m not happy, but that I can’t change immediately. Time will bring either acceptance or change in those circumstances. I need to fill that time with the positive, the good, the healthy. Otherwise I will spiral into negativity, anger, paranoia, and self-destruction. And one by one, I need to tackle the little things that have been ganging up on me. The small projects around the house that I’ve been neglecting. The self-care I’ve been ignoring. The task list that had been growing longer and overwhelming. As each item is complete, I know I can breathe a little easier. Burdens become lighter and more manageable. Calm returns.
So that’s where I am. Where I’ve been. And hopefully where I’m going. It’s hard to admit I’m here again. It was even harder to share that fact. So let’s talk about it. Because you don’t have to be perfect to be a parent. Sometimes you will relapse into someone you wish you were not. But the the only way to get un-depressed is by pushing through it. Moving forward. And if you can, sharing your experience.
Are you here, too? Can we help each other, even if that’s just listening to each other’s stories? What helps you cope? Please leave a comment.
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